February is the month of love. Valentine’s Day prompts many people to celebrate and honor their closest relationships with gifts, flowers, chocolate, and dinner out at a favorite restaurant. If you celebrate with your significant other, family, friends, or even by yourself, it is a special time to focus on love and connection. I invite you to consider deepening your awareness, understanding, and application of the concepts of love and connection now and throughout the year. When you learn how to purposefully cultivate these aspects in your relationships—with others, yourself, and your Higher Power—they will flourish beyond what you could possibly imagine.

About three years ago, I lost my marriage. I felt utterly shocked, devastated, and abandoned. Immediately, I sought out as many resources as I could find to help me make sense of what was happening. I worked with multiple therapists, coaches, and spiritual counselors; I read books and listened to audio programs about relationships and marriage. I prayed, journaled, meditated, and prayed some more. I worked on deep forgiveness for my husband and myself. I was seeking any sort of explanation of how our marriage of 26 years could have washed away right before my eyes. I honestly thought our marriage was one of the strongest of anyone we knew. Of course, there were bumps in the road here and there, but nothing that seemed out of the ordinary for a mature relationship like ours. In my desperate quest for solace and understanding of what on earth happened, my eyes were opened to some amazing wisdom and a set of tools that can powerfully deepen the love and connection of any relationship, making it not only phenomenal, but also formidable. Sadly, it was too late for me to save my marriage. But I vowed to myself that when my heart healed, I would set out to help others salvage, strengthen, and thrive in theirs. I learned along the way that this wisdom could be applied not only to marriage, but to all kinds of relationships to help them prosper.

Relationships with Others

Marriage

It may be startling to learn that only a very small percentage of marriages are mutually satisfying on a deeply connected level. According to marriage guru Mort Fertel, most marriages are “mediocre at best or dying a slow death.” People find it easy to “fall in love,” but as the relationship matures and life happens, the sparks quit flying, and the relationship can start running on autopilot. That might work for a while, but it’s likely to veer off course a bit or run completely out of gas over time. Some people unwittingly decide that they are no longer compatible with their partner, and they don’t realize this erroneous conclusion is not actually the problem. But unfortunately, we’re not taught how to “build love” after the honeymoon period is over in a relationship.

The good news is that there are specific things you can do with your partner to create love in your marriage and maintain that love for a lifetime. One simple tool to help build love in your marriage is to reprioritize your relationship with your spouse. You likely have a career, family, friends, and hobbies that also demand your time. Focus on connecting to your mate above all these other roles in life, and you will notice a dramatic difference in the level of your satisfaction. You’ll also discover that a purposeful, loving connection to your spouse will enhance the way that you relate to your other priorities in life, as well.

Relationships with Family, Friends, Colleagues, and Community

As human beings, one of our greatest needs is to be in relationship and communion with others. Love and belonging ranks third, just above safety, on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It feels wonderful when our interactions with people are loving and fun, but we’ve all experienced relationships in our lives that are much more challenging. Even in relationships that typically go well for us, there can be moments (or weeks, months, or even years) that test our patience and possibly leave us wondering if the relationship is worth the effort to maintain. In this situation, it helps to reflect on the analogy of a rock tumbler. The rocks represent each of us in our relationships, and as we bump up against each other, we smooth out our sharp edges. If it weren’t for us being in relationship with others, we wouldn’t be able to transform into our brilliant, shiny potential. The rock polishing correlation can help us shift our perception of any difficult situation with others. We may think, “If only so-and-so would change, everything would be better,” but simply changing our perception about the person or the circumstance is really what is needed most. Strive to see the best in them—the shiny rock that is their true self.

Another powerful tool to iron out any wrinkles in a relationship is to focus on connecting instead of needing to be right. In the big picture, the connection between you and the other person matters much more than getting your way. This can be a difficult task because our ego thrives on being right. Heighten your awareness of when your ego is trying to win and extend goodwill instead. 

Relationship to Your Self

Your relationship with yourself is one of the most essential connections in your life, yet most people give it the least attention. You might feel arrogant or self-centered to honor your own needs, and maybe you feel altruistic in putting yourself last. I invite you to let go of any discomfort in loving yourself and affirm that you deserve to be loved; you are worthy of self-love. Let go of mistakes you’ve made and forgive yourself. Spend time connecting with your soul and be open to discovering more about yourself.

One beneficial way of connecting to your inner self is through a specific journaling technique. In the book The Power of Your Other Hand, author Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D., suggests writing questions to yourself with your dominant hand, then answering the questions with your non-dominant hand. She says this taps directly into your creativity and inner wisdom. Consider using this technique while asking yourself the following questions:

     • How could I show up more as my authentic self in life?

     • Is fear holding me back from being all I am meant to be?

     • Is there some inner wisdom I have been avoiding because it might push me                     out of my comfort zone?   

     • What areas of my life could use some attention or fixing?

     • How can I love myself more?

Pave a path of connection to yourself and find out how self-love amplifies the love you give to others.

Relationship to Your Higher Power

I remember years ago thinking how great it would be to have my very own personal coach available at my every whim to help me with any aspect of my life. If I needed guidance with my health—my coach would know the answer. Parenting question—ask my coach. Navigating absolutely any area of my life—my coach would instantly have me covered. Then I literally laughed out loud at myself because I realized that I already had a “personal coach” to guide my every thought, word, and action in life. I’m pretty sure God had a good laugh, too!

The truth is that we all have this “personal coach” available to us. We may not all have the same name for our Higher Power, but It is present for us anytime, day or night. We must choose to plug into that Power, though, and make our spiritual relationship a priority. If you don’t already have a spiritual practice, try affirming each morning upon rising that Spirit is dwelling within your heart and mind, guiding your thoughts, words, and actions every minute of the day. Then sit in gratitude and silence for a bit and feel the warm, loving embrace of Source. As the day goes by, tap back into communion with your Higher Power as often as you can, listening for Its guidance and affirming Its divine love expressing through you. Then be open and receptive to all the nudges and serendipities which guide you to your highest good—that’s your Personal Coach guiding your every step. Nurture your relationship with God through love and connection, and the pieces of your life will slip into place with ease and grace.

“The most important thing in life is to learn how

to give out love, and to let it come in.”

~ Morrie Schwartz